A punters eye view!

I don’t think I truly appreciated the meaning of the word “surreal” before 21 June. It just does not make sense. I cannot believe it happened. I cannot compel my rational mind to comprehend the magnitude of the humungous blind leap – and risk I took.
I will try to describe my experience of the chain of events that led me to surrender myself to this irrationally tantalising discipline from Ms Matthews.
I was scared about not having any clue as to who I was supposed to be meeting – and not only meeting, but also exposing myself to, subjecting myself to their authority, making myself very, very vulnerable. I am not totally naïve. I think I did recognise the magnitude of the risk it was. Which was why I was terrified. I was terrified of all of it.
The only thing that kept me going, is the happy, nice, feeling of fulfilment that I get from being obedient. I don’t feel this feeling from anything else so far in my life.
Upon reflection – it sounds like a much-repeated hyperbole, but I was terrified half to death – because my rational parts understood the risks. Would I be harmed? I did not know. What to expect? I did not know. What should I do? I did not know. Those fears remain, they linger, rationally or irrationally, despite everything.
I must say, my extensive research into Ms Matthews with her interviews, posts, etc. did make the prospect a tiny bit less terrifying nearer to the date, but I am sure you can imagine how tiny that was, compared to the enormous terrifyingness.
I purchased the required things to ensure I would be dressed as instructed. But I still felt, “surely not?”. It got real and I panicked during the week when I realised “I will be travelling this Wednesday, and I will make myself more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life this Thursday!”.
On Tuesday, I stopped by the supermarket to get a sandwich for the journey, but decided on getting a protein bar instead. Funnily enough, it reminded me of the lines in Ms Matthews’s book about agonising over a few pennies for getting a fancier loaf of bread or not! From the book, I felt that Ms Matthews’s experiences meant she would be very sensible and I could mentally connect with her as well. That helped my nerves a bit as well.
I am good at hiding my nerves and fears at the “crunch times”. I mustered up enough courage to keep my face as non-scared as possible, and rang the bell. I still was not sure what to expect when the door gets opened. I was scared out of my mind.
Ms Matthews would be better placed to confirm whether I looked as scared, but I tried to look pleasant and calm so that Ms Matthews does not think I am a murderer as well!
The door opened, and I felt myself solidly locked in my best possible (considering the circumstances) calm-and-pleasant-and-confident-ish demeanour.
I was greeted by her smiling face and kind, pleasant expression. That instantly pushed some of my irrational fears away and started to make me feel a bit at ease. But I could feel my heart racing – about to explode, in nervousness.
I stepped in, we exchanged pleasantries and she kindly asked about my long travel. She kindly got a glass of water, and I left my bag and took in my surroundings. I was calmed by the stocked bookshelf. Very nerdy of me, I know.
But she was so nice and kind, and really “motherly”- as she describes her personality in her book, that I started to feel a bit more comfortable. I became slightly optimistic that I was not getting murdered. Still, that was a very small relief compared to the number of enormous worries I had on my mind.
I felt rather nice when she complimented my conversational English. Coming from a published author and a proper celebrity, that was a bit of a confidence boost for me. Perhaps she was just being nice and kind to me though.
We talked about my inexperience, my studies, my life since moving to the UK, my experience of being caned in school etc. It calmed me down a bit. But I started feeling very conscious (and nervous) that I was looking very ridiculous dressed in a suit and tie in this heat.
We went upstairs to the attic as Ms Matthews reassured me that not many sounds will be escaping the room. When I stepped into the room, I was again scared seeing all the implements stored there. It was scary! But I tried to keep my composure fake-calm. I presented the envelope with the keys, and could feel my stomach churning with fear for the keys. Ms Matthews was impressed by my record of 31 days, but said she was not very fond of chastity. It made me feel a bit calmer.
I informed her about your instruction that while I am under her care, I am to obey her as my Mistress and that she can lead me as she likes.
Ms Matthews asked me to remove my shoes and socks. My heart was pounding. I was scared and it again was starting to feel surreal. She seemed amused by the stockings poking out when I removed the socks and asked if I was wearing tights. When I exposed my legs and revealed myself waist down, I was dying within myself. I hurriedly and animatedly explained to her that I get my satisfaction from being obedient – not from wearing these, but rather from the sensation that I was being obedient to your instructions.
I removed my suit and shirt, and let myself be vulnerable as she looked at me. I can’t explain how embarrassed I was feeling. She seemed also surprised to see my body shaved. I felt more naked than ever. CFNM in action, I guess.
And there went my nakedness-virginity.
I was surprised when she complimented my body. As you probably know, I do not hold a positive image of my body. So, I am not sure whether she meant it or if she was just being polite, I felt a bit reassured when she said nothing is wrong with my body and that my legs and body are nice.
She asked me to give a twirl (I had no idea what that was, and I just awkwardly turned around, and later also instructed me to strike a pose which I felt even more awkward with) so she could look at my bottom. I was dying! But she said my bottom was quite nice as well, and she said she quite liked the lacey undergarments. I mentioned that I had never been naked in front of anyone before. She was amazing and kind and understanding.
I was not sure how to react when she took pictures. I was not expecting that and froze a bit. But I was awash with submissive feelings and was inclined to trust my dominant partner.
She started by mentioning she heard my nipples are sensitive. Came over and touched them and in my head, I was already feeling light. She then pinched hard on that, harder than I thought possible, and it was so painfully erotic! I just tried to push thoughts and worries out of my head and give in. (I am sure I embarrassed myself in front of her).
She also ran her hands and fingers over my body, sometimes gently, sometimes painfully, and I had never felt anything like that before! She discovered that I was quite ticklish almost all over, and played with this incredible discovery while I squirmed.
She said I had nice shoulders, and that I had a nice smell. She asked about my size of clothing, and seemed surprised. She also asked the size of my shoes – which was weird and I don’t know why she asked that.
Then she sat down and asked me to get over her knees. In my mind, there was another jolt of panic and embarrassment. I was not sure how to get over her knees and was feeling silly. She helped and instructed me. Once I was in position, it felt oddly comfortable and nice and peaceful.
She ran her hands over my bottom and my back. Gently and lovingly.
At that point, I realised I had never been touched lovingly before, and that I quite liked that feeling of gentle loving touch.
We kept talking, which helped me calm my nerves.
Then she swatted.
With her hands.
And there went my spanking virginity.
The first few were not painful – more shocking than painful. But also very restful, and interestingly pleasant. I felt myself calming down a bit more and trying to give in and feel the sensations.
Slowly she increased the force. And it started to feel painful and warm on my bottom. I am not sure how many swats were there – interspersed with the loving touches and the ticklish fingernails. My head was buried on the couch, eyes tightly shut – probably out of embarrassment, and thinking it was not real, must be a dream or a hallucination.
I lost track of the sequence a bit, but I felt a multitude of different implements on my bottom. The most vivid of them were the “vampire gloves”, the wooden spoon, and of course, the cane. There was also a riding crop and slipper.
I was astonished by the vampire gloves. She showed me her hand when she had it on (and I do have a thing for gloved hands I think), and I was petrified of the sensation it would give.
It felt so different than anything I had imagined! (Though, to be frank, I had imagined that probably I would get six hits from the cane, then stand in the corner, and then be out of there at the end of an hour).